


Before I Met You

by imjaebumism



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Internalized Homophobia, Lukas is gay but he isn't know what I mean?, M/M, Pre series, Rose No-Last-Name, philip is me, what happens before the cabin scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 21:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9143707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjaebumism/pseuds/imjaebumism
Summary: "Philip thought it'd be easy, come to this new town, do his time, age out of the system, no carbon footprint, nothing left behind for any one to recognize him. He thought he'd be able to fade into the background like he always did, make time until his mom was better and they could live together again.All that went to shit when he walked into his new school and he couldn't get the unmistakable feeling of eyes following his every move off of him."AKA: 10k of how Philkas met and the 6 weeks leading up to the cabin scene at the start of the series.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely on what Tyler and James made up about how Philkas met because they're dorks who think too much about these characters but they're also my sons and I live for them head-canoning together.

Lukas had never been one privy to school gossip, at least not voluntarily. What's new, fads, cliques, hell- even the world, he didn't care to know about the populars or the not-so-populars, but he's not surprised when he hears everyone's buzzing about a new kid that he hasn't seen or heard about.

Tivoli was a small town. Nothing remarkable ever happened, people had to find ways to keep themselves occupied with the mundane and superficial. Lukas wasn't anything special, but he'd lived here all his life, has gone to all the same schools as the entire student body, knows them all and they know him- and the student body didn't do too well with outsiders.

He's by his locker and Rose, his girlfriend, is speaking and he should probably be paying attention but she's talking about the new kid again, how they have first period English together and how weird it is that he doesn't seem to ever talk, wonders if he's mute. Lukas blocked it out as he grabbed the books he needed for his next couple of classes and put the ones he was done with back, closing the door and spinning the lock when he was done, turning to face Rose to play the role of the attentive boyfriend who hadn't been drowning her out with the white noise of the hallway and the chattering of students.

"- He's actually coming down the hall right now. You haven't seen him yet, right?" He catches the tail end of Rose's inquiry and his eyes flit up against his own accord, meeting the dark chocolate brown ones of the new kid. It took a while, an entire full body assessment where Lukas took in his brown hair, full and wavy at the top of his head, pushed back and looking almost professionally disheveled, he's wearing a jacket that's brown and patched, looking too big on him even though the boy himself isn't small, Lukas could tell he's got broad shoulders, a broad chest. His skin is pale, blemish free, nearly flawless and he's walking with both hands gripping at the strap of his book bag running across his chest, arms crossed in front of him like he was trying to make himself small as he surfed through the congested hallway, making his way towards his next class.

The warning bell offers a shrill ring and that's the only thing that gets Lukas back, pulls him to the present and away from the intoxicating look of the new kid, his body was rebelling against him, reaction visceral and completely undeniable but he tries to hide it, closing his mouth and turning back towards Rose who's raising an eyebrow at him and he wonders if he's missed her trying to get his attention before. He's also wondering why his heart feels like he's just run a mile or ten in his chest, why his palms feel all sweaty and why he suddenly feels like he's swallowed a pound of lead and it's weighing down at the pit of his stomach. He forces a smile at Rose. "Weird, isn't he?" She asks, inquisitive eyes tracing her boyfriend's features, trying to find defects in his pulled together facade.

Lukas sighs, letting out a short burst of a chuckle that comes out like he's just got the air punched out of his lungs but he nods, "yeah. Weird."

-

There's an abundance of land in the town of Tivoli. There's probably like an acre to every structure in the entire town, vast expanses of greenery and foliage and nothingness and it's like Philip would be able to run and run for miles and never really get anywhere and yet he's never felt more claustrophobic- and he's from the city. Where there's hundreds of people per square mile and you can't cross the street without brushing shoulders with about a quarter of the many. But nobody knows your name there, nobody cares who you are, too caught up in their own minds and their own thoughts to worry or care about anybody else's.

He loved that, fed off the ambiguity and he flourished under the ability to be nothing and everything he was at the same time, where no one cared enough to judge him or wonder about him because he was just one of the many shoulders they brushed past while living their lives. He feels like he stepped under a fucking microscope at the highest magnetism once he set foot in Tivoli, everybody knew who he was before he introduced himself, everyone was talking about him, his life, saying things before they ever even met him. Everybody cared, everybody wondered and worried and tried to fill in blanks about him with nonsense and psychobabble and Philip's never felt so scrutinized and singled out before.

There's no room for any of that in the city.

He's been in the town an entire day and a half and he hasn't had to open his mouth once. Social services introduced him to his foster parents, handed over his files so that they knew everything the state wanted them to know- there was nothing else he wanted to share, Helen and Gabe introduced him to the principle, the principle introduced him to the teachers, the teachers singled him out to the entire student body and all he had to do was sit there as word rumbled through the halls like a wave too big for Philip to even breathe at the sight of.

Philip thought it'd be easy, come to this new town, do his time, age out of the system, no carbon footprint, nothing left behind for any one to recognize him. He thought he'd be able to fade into the background like he always did, make time until his mom was better and they could live together again.

All that went to shit when he walked into his new school and he couldn't get the unmistakable feeling of eyes following his every move off of him.

By third period, he got really good at pretending he didn't know that everybody and their mom would stare at him as he walked down the hallway between classes. It wasn't easy, but he'd always been good at acting like everything was okay when it wasn't, playing cool. One of his most redeeming qualities and consequentially one of his worst.

All the eyes started feeling the same on his skin after a while, so he barely notices those of a certain blue eyed, blonde haired collègue of his, and he wouldn't have noticed it at all if when their eyes met he didn't feel an overwhelming gust of frigidness run through him, like pouring antifreeze through his veins. He's dodgy though and he skirts his gaze away before long, walking through the bodies to get to his destination because being late wasn't in the cards for him today.

Ace at pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't, Philip forgets all about blonde hair blue eyes by the time last period comes around.

-

The new kid is in his last period class, sits all the way on the other side of the class room, closest to the windows and Lukas has got a perfect view of him from where he's sitting to his right, slightly behind him a few rows back. In all honesty, he hasn't been able to get the new kid, Philip- he reminds himself-- he knows his name is Philip now, everybody does-- out of his head. He's got a picturesque view of his profile, spends the entirety of class committing his defined jawline to memory, the way he passes time clenching and unclenching his jaw- every muscle in his sculpted face moving with it and Lukas is kind of mesmerized.

He catches fuck all from what the teacher is spewing, and by the end of class he barely remembers what subject he'd been in as he watches Philip grab his bag from the floor and throw the strap over his head, Lukas could barely stop himself from making note of his every move. Philip's leaving the classroom and Lukas is still plastered to his seat, barely able to make a move until he's moving and he doesn't even know where he's going, but he's tracing Philip's steps.

He doesn't know what's gotten into him, wonders if maybe he's gone insane when he's outside of the school, watching Philip disappear behind the glass doors of a convenient store. Lukas takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with the afternoon air, fresh and smelling of foliage as he takes it upon himself to continue whatever he thought he was doing, jogging his path up to the entrance of the facility and hesitating for only a second before pulling the door open and walking inside.

The owner looks up as the bell tolls and nods at him, smiling at Lukas and Lukas offers grin and waves at him back, entering the aisles and eyes immediately scanning the proximity for Philip. He's standing by the batteries, his bag still on his shoulder, crossing over his chest. He's staring down at something in his hand and Lukas is a bit far to pick up on the details but he thinks it's a camera. Lukas exhales, biting his lip- there's nobody else in the store, just him, Phillip and the owner and the owner is a ways away from them right now, barely paying them any mind as he flips through a magazine at the front checkout.

Philip looks up at the minute sound of Lukas' breathing, dark eyes landing on Lukas' form, his body barely moving and he doesn't say anything, waiting for Lukas to speak up first.

"Uh- cool gadget you got there." Lukas says and God does he sound stupid. He takes a couple steps forward, towards Philip and his heart is beating so much harder the closer he gets to the other boy, upon inspection- It _is_ a camera that Philip is holding and now he sounds like a dumbass that doesn't know what a camera is. "I mean- camera. It's a cool camera."

Philip nods, smiling with one side of his mouth as he looks down at his camera and then back at the display of batteries in front of him before finally turning back to Lukas, "thanks."

"You're Philip Shea, right?" Lukas asks, stuffing his hands in his pockets and trying his hardest not to act as awkward as he felt, which was a feat all of its own. "You're in my last period class."

"Oh um- yeah. I'm new, though so I don't know-," he starts toying with some buttons on his camera and looking down at his hands.

"I'm Lukas. Lukas Waldenbeck." He offers, rubbing at his neck in an attempt to alleviate the insatiable awkwardness permeating through him. He wonders if Philip can smell it.

"Cool." Philip says. A car's horn sounds from right outside of the store and it catches Philip's attention, he turns around and looks out the front windows, the sheriff's jeep is right outside the store front. "My- uh- my ride is here. It was nice to meet you." Philip says softly, adjusting his book bag strap on his shoulder and starting to back walk out of the aisle.

"Um, yeah you too." Lukas says quickly, breaths hastening, "I'll see you at school tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah," Philip nods, expression stoic and eyes darting. He licks his lips, casts Lukas one last glance before turning his back to him and walking out the door. The bell tolls upon his departure and Lukas heaves out the last traces of breath in his body, running a hand through his hair, body sagging in disbelief.

_What the fuck was all that about, Lukas?_

-

"How was your first day of school, Philip?" Helen asks over charred steaks and runny mashed potatoes curtesy of her particularly horrendous cooking skills. At least she tried.

Philip made it as inconspicuous as possible that he's just pushing the food around his plate, has barely taken two bites of it, "It was uneventful."

"No new friends?" It's Gabe who asks this time and Philip screws his mouth to the side, biting at the left corner of his bottom lip.

"Not one for those." Philip replies simply, voice soft as he puts down his fork and picks up his cup of water, taking sips from it.

"You're not one for friends?" Gabe asks, chuckling when he thinks that Philip is joking, but Philip's eyes meet his and there isn't an ounce of mirth in sight and his smile dies on his lips.

"Never have been." They're both looking at him now and he could feel the pity radiating off of them so he avoids their eyes. He doesn't need pity- doesn't want it. "Look I've done this a lot. I'm used to being the new kid and, most people don't like the new kids, don't want to be friends with the new kids so I just kind of stay out of their way and when the time comes for me to move on, they've already forgotten about me. It's no big deal."

Gabe's gaze flits to Helen and Helen is looking down at the table and Philip sighs, gnawing at his lips and clenching his jaw. "Have you two heard anything about my mom?" He asks, knowing that even if they did that they didn't have to share it with him. Shouldn't, probably. He wasn't allowed to see his mom, have any sort contact with her at all. And it was tearing him apart not being able to know if she was okay, where she was. He wonders if she's got anyone to cook dinner for her tonight, if she's alone or high, if she's hungry. He can't know any of that and it's like mercury in his veins.

"We haven't. We're sorry, Philip." Helen says and he wonders if she's lying. If she is, she's really good at it. Probably has to be, for her job.

Philip bobs his head with a nod twice, palms flat on the surface of the table, "can I be excused?"

Gage doesn't hesitate, "sure, son." And Helen nods.

"Thank you." Philip replies quietly, getting up from the table and making his way to his bedroom. It's not until he's in his bed, flat on his back staring at the planks of his ceiling that he lets himself think about what happened today.

School was its own brand of nightmare but he wasn't lying downstairs when he said he was used to that. He could count on one hand how many friends he's had in his life, and he'd use less than three fingers, probably. But then there was Lukas.

Lukas who was tall and who's face seemed to be sculpted by the hands of God's. His eyes were clear, literal windows to his soul and Philip felt like he could see anything he wanted to know about Lukas through his gaze. He was the most transparent person Philip's ever met, despite the fact that he prides himself on being the master of reading people, he doesn't need his superior skills when it came to Lukas.

He'd spoken to him. The only person who wasn't a teacher or an adult- one of his peers, someone his age, someone so attractive actually spoke to him. "Fuck," Philip sighs, turning over to his side and curling up, knees pulling to his chest. He was really fucking cute. His long floppy hair, his blue eyes. He was awkward, gangly but Philip liked the way he looked at the very least, liked that he'd spoken to him, taken the initiative.

Maybe he'd be able to use that third finger after all. Friends never proved to be as bad as he thought they'd be for him.

-

Lukas is waiting by the front entrance of the school. Don't ask him what (or who) he's waiting for because he won't admit it aloud, or even think about to himself, either. He's just waiting and you could call it coincidence but when he sees the Sheriff's jeep pulling up in the yard his heart stops and then starts beating again faster, causing a pain in his chest that he rubs at to alleviate. Philip comes out from the passenger side of the car, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he walks towards school. He seems to draw further into himself the closer he gets and he's right about to walk past Lukas when Lukas speaks up. "Hey,"

Philip startles, looking at the direction of Lukas' voice his posture slighting a bit when he sees who it is. "Hi."

Lukas smiles but doesn't take a step to get closer to the school. In fact, he kind of steps back into the shadows the tree offers, Philip is still close but no one could see them talking. He doesn't know why they care if they do, just that he does. "Um, how are you?"

"Good." Philip says, he kind of sounds like it's a question but he takes a step towards Lukas, joins him in the shadows and it all kind of seems like it's unconscious on Philip's part, like he was just drawn closer.

"That's good. I'm good, too. But you didn't-," Lukas rubs at the back of his neck, "look, you have that camera right?"

Philip looks down at the bag at his side and nods, peering up at Lukas curiously, mouth slightly parted, "yeah. Why?"

"Ever heard of motocross?" Lukas asks and Philip's eyes dart between both of his, a chestnut curl falling onto his pale forehead where Lukas could trace a crease. Philip hesitates for a second, licking his lip and then nodding slowly, "I dabble. And I've been thinking of starting a channel on YouTube showcasing my moves. I'm trying to get sponsored- make it big. I just- need someone to help me capture the moments. A guy behind the scenes."

Philip stares at him, almost like he's trying to figure Lukas out while simultaneously knowing everything about him. It wigs Lukas out a little bit but he raises an eyebrow, waiting for Philip's response diligently, "well I- I have the camera but it's pretty old. Can't find batteries for it in any of the stores around here. But I could take videos with my phone? Might come out better." Philip shrugs, voice whipping around Lukas like sweet smoke.

Lukas grins like he's won something big and Philip can't help but to offer a small smile back, nodding, "okay. I have a study group today but tomorrow, wanna go to my jump spot? We could do some preliminary shots."

"Yeah, okay."

"Okay." Lukas purses his lips before taking a couple of steps back, emerging from the shadows and leaving Philip behind. "I'll see you. Last period?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

They do see each other last period but Lukas doesn't say anything to him. In fact, Phillip waves against his better judgement and Lukas doesn't do anything back- doesn't even acknowledge that he'd seen it.

Philip doesn't think anything of it. Maybe Lukas hadn't seen it. And even if he had and he was just ignoring Philip, that was his prerogative, Philip wasn't going to hate on him for that.

Helen is outside by the time he's let out and he hops in the Jeep.

The drive home isn't all that eventful.

-

Lukas is beating himself up, figuratively, by the time he gets home, parking his motorbike and storming up to his bedroom.

He had no idea what he was doing with Philip Shea. He was completely in over his head when it came to the other boy- boy. That he's been unable to stop thinking of. It's been two days and whenever Lukas closes his eyes he could see the image of Philip as if it's seared behind his eyelids and his palms get sweaty, his heart heavy. He tries so hard, puts so much effort into not having Philip be on his mind twenty four seven, but he wakes up in the morning and the last dredges of the dreams he could catch involve Philip's chocolate eyes, his pale skin, his pouty lips...

It's fucking confusing. He can't remember a time he's ever thought of Rose for so long and he's known her for years. She was his girlfriend. And here he was agonizing over ways to get Philip to spend time with him, get him alone in the woods. Lukas has no idea why he even feels the need to- why he wants to get to know Philip so much, wants to know every single thing about him, everything he could get out he just knows that he wants to. It's almost a need at this point.

He'd left the study group early, staving off Rose's questions and stipulations as to why. She'd never guess it anyways, hell- tell Lukas a week ago that he'd be running off from his girlfriend to go agonize over the new kid in his bed and he'd straight up call you a liar. There was no way.

Guess there's a way now.

He goes to sleep early that night, giving into his apprehension mixed with excitement in his gut as he stares up at the ceiling. He wonders what Philip is doing, right now, if he's laying down like Lukas is, staring up like Lukas is- tracing the lines in his ceilings, thinking about him... there's so much he wants to know.

He wonders how much time he's got to find all of it out.

-

"Ever ride on a motorbike before?" Its right after school and Philip meets Lukas a little ways away from the school, at an abandoned cement tunnel, leaning against his bike.

Philip looks apprehensive as he looks at the bike but he seems to swallow it down, reinforcing himself, squaring his shoulders and nodding. "Yeah, sure. Loads of times." He had no idea why he was lying. It felt important to at the time.

Lukas smiles, holding out his extra helmet to Phillip and grabbing his own, pushing it onto his head. "It's okay, you could trust me. Probably the best motorbike driver this here Tivoli's ever seen."

Chuckling Phillip follows suit, putting on the helmet he was handed and trying not to freak out too much as he moves to straddle the seat right behind Lukas, fingers gripping at his sides.

"Maybe it'd be better if-," Lukas starts then stops, reaching down and grabbing Philip's hands and pulling them from his sides and wrapping Phillip's arms around his waist instead. Phillip's breath stutters as they're pulled flush against each other, Philips legs bracketing Lukas' as his front fell flat along Lukas' back. Philip interlocks his fingers across Lukas' abdomen making sure his hold was tight, "better?"

Philip barely holds the state of mind to nod. "Okay, lets go!"

Phillip legitimately closes his eyes the entire time it takes to get to wherever they're going. Truth be told, he'd never driven a motorcycle before and he thinks Lukas knows that because he doesn't try to say anything to Philip the entire way and when they get to their destination, Lukas' soft hand comes down on his in an attempt to relax the death grip that Philip had around his waist, "hey, you okay?" Lukas asks softly and Philip catches up on his missed breaths, finally opening his eyes to the environment and taking in the scenery. His grip goes lax and he pulls away from Lukas, just now noticing the tingling of electricity that had past through them with the brief skin to skin contact that ceases the minute they're not touching anymore. After taking off his helmet, he rubs at his hands, eye looking around at where they stopped.

They were in the middle of the woods, trees bending over them, canopies forming overhead and casting shadows along the clearing. There's natural hills made of dirt traced with shallow tire marks that are probably from Lukas' previous trysts with his bike up here. There's a small pond in the center of it and random patches of foliage and flowers, the sun coming through in streaks causing the water to shimmer.

"What do you think?" Lukas asks, climbing off his back and kicking out the kickstand. He's tugging off his own helmet, taking Philip's and placing it at the base of a tree beside them.

"It's amazing. How'd you find this place?" Philip speaks as he's looking around, running a hand through his hair.

"My dad has a cabin just over that hill," Lukas says, pointing past the pond towards a steep dirt hill. Philip could just barely make out the tip of the roof of a home. "We come up here to hunt sometimes too, and practice motor cross."

"That's really cool." Philip nods, "So- where do want me for this?"

Lukas looks about, contemplating, "mmh, I'm just going to do some mediocre jumps around the periphery so if you could find a good spot towards the middle, that should work."

Philip agrees, taking off his book bag and grabbing his phone. He gets to the video camera and walks towards the center of the clearing, by the pond. His heart starts thundering the closer he gets to it so he doesn't get too close, kneeling on a mound of dirt and following the sound of Lukas' dirt bike to the edge of the clearing and positioning himself accordingly making sure the sun was behind him for the best illumination and exposure as Lukas flashes him a thumbs up. Philip throws one back and then Lukas is off.

He does a ton of tricks, kicks and flips and turns and there's probably technical words for them in the world of motor cross but Philip wouldn't be able to make up from down in that world, he'd basically lied when he said he was into it. He did that sometimes, lied for no reason- without really knowing why.

Philip films until his phone warns him he's out of storage and he tells Lukas as much, rewatching some of the footage as Lukas wound down, the sound of his bike grinding through the gravel still in the background until Lukas drives up close and kills the engine.

"How'd that go?" Lukas says, leaving his helmet with the bike and shaking his hair out. Philip's watching him as he approaches, notes the rise and fall of his chest, his cheeks flushed with adrenaline, breaths labored and as he comes closer those details become clearer and Philip can't look away.

"You were awesome." He says and he sounds like he means it a little too much and he flushes, shaking his head and looking back down at his phone. "Like- you got some serious air. On those jumps," he keeps off the 'or whatever' that kind of wants to come to him naturally and hands his phone to Lukas so he could see what he's got.

"Wow, yeah these are great. The quality is off the charts, Philip." Lukas looks up and smiles at him, and Philip's heart falters a bit, skipping a beat and he looks down because he can't look at it too long, might end in heart failure or something equally as damaging. "Do you think we could upload them now?"

"Yeah, I have my laptop with me."

"Cool, we'll go to the cabin."

Lukas drags his bike up while Philip walks beside him.

"So, Sheriff Torrance and Gabe are your foster parents?" Lukas asks, making conversation. Philip nods, looking through the rest of his content on his phone, figuring out exactly how he was going to edit it all and make it look fantastic. "They cool?"

"I mean, they're not my parents. But they've been nice." Philip replies softly. Lukas remarks that he never truly speaks over a certain octave. His voice is always low, soft, smoky and Lukas thinks he could listen to this boy's voice forever.

"Why are you... in foster care?" He continues and Philip doesn't answer right away, occupying himself with remembering that one foot goes in front of the other and that's how he walks forward. He's gone through his life reminding himself to keep walking, keep going forward and he does that now. "You don't have to answer. I'm sorry- I'm being nosy."

They reach the cabin, a shoddy little thing in the middle of yet another gravel clearing, surrounding at the perimeter by trees. It's small and Lukas reaches up above the door to grab the key and get the front door open, leaving his bike outside. There's a table right behind the door, small with four chairs and a single bed along the wall across from that, tucked in the corner.

A tiny kitchenette rounds off what Philip could see but he notices there's a bit more around the corner behind a wall, just doesn't know what's there. He grabs a seat at the table, pulling out his laptop and turning on the hotspot on his phone to get internet access.

"We have beer, some of the hard shit too if you wanna get crazy." Lukas jokes, taking two cans of beer in the fridge and handing gone to Philip. He grabs a bottle of scotch that has dust collected on the outside and two glasses, tossing that on the table too.

"Might not be too down for crazy right now." Philip chuckles, looking down at the beer as he cracks it open, the can hissing. "Beer is good."

"Sounds good, how's everything looking?"

They spend sometime after that splicing the footage and adding action words, filters and cuts to make everything look edgier and more action filled. Lukas is sitting next to him, a bit too close for comfort because Philip could feel the heat of Lukas' arm against his and it's causing his body heat to soar greatly. They've downed two beers each by the time the first six minute video is done and they've chosen the right music to play in the background and it's ready to be uploaded.

It's doing just that when Philip's lips feel loose enough to spill, "It was always just me and my mom. She's- um- she's addicted to drugs. Isn't able to take care of me correctly."

Lukas looks up at him, Philip can feel his blue eyes boring holes into the side of his face but he can't find it in him to turn and have their gazes meet. He knows what he'll find there and he doesn't want it. "H-How bout your dad?"

Philip shrugs, "I don't know where he is. I don't care, either. I don't even remember what he looks like- he left us a long time ago."

He waits for the I'm so sorry, sorry your life sucks, that mine is better than yours. Sorry your mom doesn't love you. Sorry for things I can't control. It never comes. "My mom died when I was a kid. Just me and my dad."

Philip turns his head, meeting Lukas' eyes, chocolate smelting against his gaze, "do you remember her?"

"A little bit. There's pictures."

"I bet she was beautiful." Because if she made you, she must've been is what he doesn't get around to saying before he's biting his tongue and keeping quiet.

"She was." Lukas nods and Philip smiles, "we had the same eyes." Beautiful indeed.

No apologies are transferred and a ding from Philip's computer says that the video is uploaded, opening automatically to the page of Lukas' video and playing. "It's up."

"Awesome. This looks so great, Philip. You're so talented." Lukas gushes and Philip chuckles, ducking his head in embarrassment cheeks flushed with that and alcohol. "Really, you are."

"All I did was hold a phone up. You did all the hard stuff." Philip gestures at the video playing on the screen, at Lukas' flips and shit. "It'd take me a million years to do any of that."

Lukas shakes his head, "it's not too hard. I could teach you, if you want."

"Hah," Philip huffs, "no I'm so good thanks. Philip feels safest on the floor."

"Flying is so much more fun, though."

"Humans weren't born with wings." Philip reminds, raising an eyebrow at Lukas.

Lukas nods, making a sound of affirmation with that before looking down at the computer screen, catching the tail end of the video, "that's why we make our own."

-

They stayed a bit later after the video was done and posted when it was made known neither of them had homework or anything pertinent to get to before dinner at Gabe and Helen's. A few more beers had them sitting side by side across the single bed, feet hanging off the edge and toes wiggling as they huddled around Philip's laptop screen watching a movie. They weren't hurried for a way back to town and that showed in the way they were lounging and laughing at the jokes in the movie that maybe weren't meant to be jokes but they laughed anyway.

"So I'm basically supposed to believe that girls in high school actually behave like this?"

"Oh so you don't think that junior girls have anything better to do than construct books featuring every other female in the entire school and some deep otherwise unknown fact about them like their proclivities for making out with cured luncheon meats?" Philip asks, giggling drunkenly as he balanced the laptop on one of his thighs and the rest of it rested on Lukas'.

"Hey, that was only once. And now that you've said all that I'm wondering if they do have anything to do? What like study or anything? Why would they do that? Sounds pointless to me." Lukas chuckles, looking over at Philip with raised eyebrows and a shit eating grin.

Philip nods, head leaning against the back wall by the window as he smiles, "yeah- definitely. But if this even half approaches the truth about girls, they're really fucking scary and I'd try not to cross them too much."

"Oh no doubt. Stay away at all costs."

"Hah, I try to." Philip doesn't give much thought to what he's saying, hasn't been doing so for a while now as his inhibitions slowly got stripped away.

Lukas turns to look at him at that, eyes trailing his face as he tries to wonder if Philip meant what he was thinking he meant or if he was just reading too much into it. Philip tries to stay away from girls- there's not much that could mean, right? Maybe it just meant he stayed away from catty girls but liked all the other ones. Maybe it meant he didn't like girls at all because he was... gay or something and stayed away because they held no appeal. He was definitely reading into this, What Philip had said was innocent. He wasn't coming out to him or professing undying love yet Lukas was analyzing it like he was and he didn't know why his heart was doing this weird thing that involved recycling lava temperature blood through his veins and beating extra hard.

He turns his head, forcing himself to stare at the screen instead of wonder why he cared if Philip was gay. He had no idea what he would do with that information even though the thought of having that be a known in his mind has something opening inside of him that he doesn't quite understand or want to acknowledge.

Halfway through the film and they haven't said much of anything else to each other. Philip shifts beside him though and suddenly he's resting his head on Lukas' shoulder and the weight of it, though negligible, seemed to be so much more than he could bare and he likes it. He likes knowing that Philip thinks he could do that, likes that it means that Philip is comfortable with him even though it's only been a couple of days since they met and he still wants to know everything about Philip- everything he has to offer.

Lukas' phone dings by his thigh and he looks at it, trying to find something to do that wasn't completely losing his shit about Philip. It's his dad.

"Hey, he should probably start heading back."

Philip lifts his head, looking down at his own phone at the time before nodding. Neither Gabe nor Helen had given him a check or call but he knew it was just a matter of time.

"Yeah. Are you okay to ride back?" Philip asks, first to stand from the bed and close his laptop. He's packing everything up and he jingles the cans on the table as he uses it to pull his shoes on, leaning his weight on it.

Lukas nods, "yeah. Barely tipsy anymore. It's been a couple of hours."

Philip takes him at his word, putting everything away and stepping out into the fresh air right outside of the cabin, filling his lungs with it as he waited for Lukas to lock up and make his way to the bike.

Lukas hands him a helmet and Philip puts it on, hands securing their position over Lukas' abdomen as his arms wrapped around his waist and pulls himself close to Lukas on the bike.

Philip spends the whole ride wondering if Lukas could feel Philip's heart racing against his back.

-

At school, it's normal that they act like they don't know each other.

Lukas stays away from Philip and Philip doesn't so much 'get it' as much as he understands that Lukas might not appreciate the stigma that comes with hanging out with the new kid who also just happens to be the sheriff's foster kid- it borderline made sense.

So whenever Philip would walk past Lukas' locker, he made it a point to avoid looking right at the spot he'd probably be standing at, even if he wasn't there, just so he wouldn't be tempted to do it the next time just so he wouldn't catch him and Rose making out against the lockers or something equally as oppressive and gut wrenching.

Everybody else seems to leave him alone because he stays out of their ways, makes himself small so that he's barely noticed enough to piss anybody off or garner any sort of reaction from them.

It's easier to fade into the background than be tormented while in the forefront, completely defamed and heckled. He's been there before and that isn't fun.

So he doesn't try to wave at Lukas again, definitely doesn't talk to him when he's alone by his locker in the hall.

High school goes by faster and simpler when treated like a game of chess, thinking about your every move and every repercussion that comes after it before making it, seeing all the wrongs in your mind's eye before you even pick up your piece because it could only save you in the end- win you the entire game.

-

It's weeks of them hanging together after pretending the other doesn't exist at school and Philip lives for it. He meets up with Lukas almost everyday after school and they go to the clearing. Lukas jumps, Philip films, sometimes takes some still shots of Lukas in the air- frozen in time like he's flying and he never has to get down.

When they're at the clearing, in the cabin, it's almost like they're friends. They joke, they talk about idiots at school, do homework, rage on asshole teachers.

"Did you see Mrs. Fish-?"

"Alright if we're not going to talk about why her name is 'Fish' I don't want to continue this conversation." Philip cuts off Lukas, picking up a Dorito and popping it into his mouth, "What do you think her first name is?"

"Filet O'?" Lukas says and Philip cracks up despite himself, rolling into himself as his shoulders shook with laughter. "Could be Tuna, too. Or Canned."

Philip can't stop laughing, throwing his head back and shaking with it as he pushes at Lukas' shoulder. It's when he's had time to die down, no more snorts or revisitations from the laughter police that he finally calms himself and when he looks at Lukas he finds that Lukas is staring at him, eyes clear and soft straight down to the source of them- all the way to his soul. "You look good when you laugh." He says seriously, small smile on his lips as his eyes trace Philip's feathers.

Philip feels his skin go flush, his hands growing clammy as he attempts a smile back. "Uhh-,"

"Sorry. I'm sorry," Lukas says quickly, shaking himself out of his head. He's not looking at Philip anymore and Philip sighs with it, willing his treacherous heart to quit thumping so loud in his chest as the hope that washed over him from that comment starts to wane. "I didn't mean to make things weird-,"

"You didn't I just-,"

"Like I'm not- I'm not gay or anything. So don't-," Lukas continues, and he's breathing fast like he's on the edges of a panic attack and Philip feels the need to soothe him, talk him down to reality where it's just them and Philip doesn't care either way if Lukas is or isn't one thing or another.

"Lukas, it doesn't matter. Like, cool- that you're not. It just doesn't matter and I- I wouldn't care." Philip tries to cut in on Lukas' moment of self destruction. He turns to the other boy sitting beside him on the bed, placing a gentle hand on his arm. "I don't care."

Lukas looks at him, his breathing slowly coming back to normal, "you don't? I mean I'm not but- you don't care...?"

Philip shakes his head, shaking his head a bit as he looks down, "hah, I wouldn't- I mean caring about that would kind of make me a hypocrite."

There's silence after he utters that sentence and Philip moves his hand from Lukas' arm, the air growing thick around them. He could tell Lukas is watching him, his eyes tracing Philip's features as he mulls over what it is Philip just said.

"You're-,"

See, Philip's never felt the need to come out to anyone. He doesn't remember a time when it just occurred to him, he's just always been and it's not like anyone has ever paid enough attention to him ask him or care so he's never had to say the words aloud and he was fine with that. He kind of felt the need to say it now.

"Yeah- yeah, I am. I'm gay." Philip sighs, getting up from the bed and walking the short way to the small kitchenette just a few feet away from the bed they were sitting on. He turns his back to Lukas, leaning on the counter and clenching his jaw as he waits for the bashing, the disgust, the nasty comments.

It's so fucking quiet and Philip's ears ring with it he's never heard anything so loud.

"How did you know?" Lukas says and he says it so soft that Philip barely hears it over the ringing that seems to cease the second Philip hears Lukas' words.

"That's a good question." Philip chuckles mirthlessly because he was just asking himself just that and he has no fucking idea how he knew. He just did and that was the end of that. He'd never gone through the whole existential feeling of reaching from within and grabbing it from inside of him. It's always just been him always just been who he was. He shrugs though, turning to lean against the counter, his elbows locking, "I don't really know."

"That's not helpful." Lukas sighs and Philip raises an eyebrow.

"Are you?" Philip asks lips barely moving.

"No!" Lukas says quickly, too quickly, his cheeks going red. "I don't know. I don't want to be."

"It's not about what you want, not really."

"And that's the worst part." Lukas drops his head to his hands, elbows resting on his legs as he closes himself off. Philip doesn't know what to do.

"It doesn't have to matter. Not with us- I... I still wanna be your friend." If that's what they even are. They barely spoke in school, outside of filming and coming up here to joke and get shots done. All Philip knows is that he likes spending time with Lukas, separate from the fact that he may have actual feelings for him, and he didn't want this to end just because Philip was gay and Lukas was troubled. "We don't have to talk about this, it doesn't have to be a thing."

Lukas looks up, staring at the ceiling and keeping this gaze away from Philip for the time being as he clears his head. He's thinking about how much he wants to say but how he doesn't want the words forcing their way through. He doesn't want this to be hard, he wants it to be easy and he wishes it were. That he could just know himself, know who he was and what he wanted without having to go through all this inner turmoil but it was too much too fast. Philip would stick around though, he'd wait for Lukas to figure it out, they'd still be friends. And it surprises Lukas when he feels himself calming down a bit with that knowledge in his arsenal.

"Are there new comments on my videos?" He asks finally, forcing his eyes down to look at Philip.

Philip regards him warily, clenching and unclenching his jaw before pushing back from the counter and going to the small table in the corner where his laptop sat, "let's see."

-

They don't talk about it.

-

"How's everything been at school, Philip?" Gabe asks one night during dinner while Philip's moving the scant noodles he had on his plate. Spaghetti night.

"It's going fine." Philip says quietly. His eyes dart up to those of his foster parents and he sees them staring like they want more of an answer to their question than Philip had offered, their eyebrows raised expectantly. "I mean- it's high school, so-,"

"Any friends?" Helen follows up, leaning her elbows onto the table and moving forward to engage Philip into more thought provoking conversation. She'd probably learned that move from her self teaching tapes, "it's been a couple of weeks and you're always staying out later and later."

Philip swallows down the chewed up and tasteless mush in his mouth, letting his eyes fall back to the table. "I-I mean not really. Just, sightseeing, studying. Taking pictures, mostly. There's a lot of pretty lakes and vistas around here. Very awe inspiring." And that wasn't quite a lie so he didn't feel the familiar rise of bile in his throat at once again deceiving the people offering him shelter and care.

"Anything good? We'd love to see." Gabe looks over at him, his eyes ever gentle and kind like they always are and Philip nods making a dog with his spaghetti, he didn't think he could stomach another bite.

"All my stuff's good." He decides to joke a little, warmth growing in his stomach when Gabe chuckles and Helen cracks a smile, "but yeah, sure. I'll set it up for you guys one day."

"Sounds like a plan." Gabe nods and Philip mimics the gesture, attention turning back down to his plate.

-

"Woah! I don't think I've ever gotten that much air on a jump before." Lukas' voice rings with elation and disbelief and Philip is intoxicated with it, just by being in his presence as he follows the other boy into the cabin.

He grins as he follows Lukas into the cabin, throwing his bag on the floor and moving to sit on the bed as he's done so many times before. He's looking through his phone, reloading the screen of Lukas' video.

"You uploaded it right?" Lukas asks and he's rifling through the refrigerator, the clanking of bottles ringing through the small room, "there's only one. Catch."

"Yeah, I-," the bottle hits the edge of the bed, not even close to Philip catching it. Philip looks up as the bottle hisses and throws a fuss beneath them, looking at Lukas, "really?"

"Nice going." Lukas jokes, rolling his eyes. He grabs Philip's phone and Philip bends down to pick up the bottle, uncapping it the rest of the way to take a sip of the beer before handing it to Lukas, "this footage is so lit. My sponsors are going to go crazy for it."

"There's 22 hits. Isn't that bad actually?" Philip asks as the switch, Lukas taking the bottle and Philip retrieving his phone.

"No, it's great. Besides it's the content that matters, sponsors love this shit." Lukas replies, taking a drink too (he hopes that Philip doesn't notice that he wipes at the mouth of the bottle before drinking from it. He wouldn't want him thinking he was scared of catching anything or something. Just... germs.)

"Rose says that you looked 'dope'." Philip says jokingly, leaning into Lukas' space and dropping his voice.

Lukas shoves at him, chuckling awkwardly at the mention of his girlfriend and taking the phone back, "whatever. The fact that you were able to film this so perfectly. You got exactly the right moments. It's so amazing, Philip. You're, like, amazing." It's happening again. Lukas' feelings coming out too strong in words that are meant to be said casually, without a second thought. The atmosphere thickens around them and Lukas feels himself wanting to die.

Philip could feel it too as he turns to stare at Lukas, a question in his eyes that begs answering when their gazes meet and the atmosphere grows even thicker, if that's possible, pulsing with possibility and want and action and Philip doesn't want to play it safe anymore. Lukas is confused, he doesn't like being seen with Philip in school, doesn't want anyone, even their guardians, knowing that they know each other and Philip's never asked why because when they're together, he doesn't act like he hates Philip or doesn't want to be seen with him. In fact, it's just the opposite, where he acts like he never wants their time together to end and Philip can't be misreading that.

He's leaning into Lukas' space before he could consciously make the decision to, bringing their faces closer and he thinks he's won when Lukas doesn't pull back right away. But, oh, was he wrong.

Philip feels his face being pushed away and Lukas feels his arteries tightening and seizing as he thinks about what almost happened and how... maybe he might've wanted it to. Fuck. "What the hell are you doing?" He asks instead of admitting anything, feigning anger when inside all he can do is sort of jump wildly in elation because Philip likes him. He's gay and he likes Lukas and it was just wishful thinking or wondering this time. All of it was confirmed.

"No-Nothing I was just-, I'm sorry." Philip gets out quickly, rejection and shame and embarrassment running through to his core as he keeps his eyes away from Lukas' his body turned in the other direction.

Lukas is breathing heavily because- God he's such a fucking dick. He can't believe he just did that, pushed Philip away, made him feel like shit when while Philip was centimeters away from his face all he could think about was that he was going to get to know how Philip tastes, how soft his lips are against Lukas' and he was fucking excited for it. But his mind wouldn't let him accept the thoughts as his own- that couldn't be right.

They grow quiet and Philip's trying to figure out where he went wrong with this, what clue did he miss, which move did he misinterpret, how can he fix this while Lukas is just trying to forget it even happened because it can't happen. They couldn't be that.

"So- those jumps they're... they're not easy." Lukas says quietly, sighing. His voice is shaking with nerves and he can't look over at Philip.

Philip can't look over at Lukas either and he feels numb and wronged and he doesn't want to small talk his way out of this, "I never said they were."

Lukas breaths sound like they're coming in more desperate like, like he's fighting for each one, "I thought you liked motorcross." He says, voice offering signs of betrayal as he starts to lose footing in what they were to each other with all the common ground crumbling.

Philip shakes his head. Where'd Lukas find the right to be hurt in this situation? "Yeah, no. You know what? I don't, so." Philip says bitterly, getting up and already formulating a plan to leave. He'd walk home if he had to, didn't matter that it was far or almost dark. He didn't want to be here anymore.

Lukas sees Philip getting up, sees him about to leave and he panics, his arm reaching out, hand latching onto Philip's sleeve because no way can he run away from here. He promised he wouldn't, promised he didn't care. Goddammit. "No, no don't go, please. Sit down."

Philip wants to fight it but his body succumbs to Lukas' without even a second thought. This could be really fucking dangerous.

Philip sits but stares straight ahead and Lukas' hand is still on his arm, burning a hole through his vintage leather jacket. "Philip I-" Lukas starts but he stops himself, moving his hand instead. He lets it trail up Philip's arm, across his chest to the side of Philip's neck farthest from him.

Philip just watches Lukas, afraid to make any sudden moves lest he lose his nerve or just- disappear.

Lukas is leaning in and Philip is too, he can't help it though. He knows he should pull away, knows that this isn't going to end well. But he can't- and then they're kissing.

The first kiss is just a peck and it's all Lukas. Philip barely has time to respond before Lukas is drawing away, eyes searching Philip's face. Philip must not be giving anything away with his expression because Lukas is kissing him again, longer this time, his lips soft and malleable against Philip's as he moves his lips, urging Lukas to move his own.

His eyes are closed tight and he's getting drunk on the kiss, pulling himself closer and closer still until not even a thin sheet of paper could fit between them, Nothing could separate them. Lukas seems to fall into it too, hand soft yet persistant at the side of Philip's face, tilting his head just the right way to properly turn Philip's brain into mush through their kiss.

Lukas is pushing and Philip feels himself falling, laying on his back and welcoming the weight of Lukas' body on top of him until he breaks the kiss, breathing hard, "wait, what if- what if somebody sees?" He swallows, eyes transfixed on Philip's lips.

Philip looks away from the guy of his most recent dreams but only for a second, only to confirm that they're still in the cabin, still in the middle of the woods with nobody within screaming distance around them. "Right, like a squirrel?" He asks, voice husky even to his own ears.

Lukas sighs and Philip takes it upon himself to make the next move, locking their lips together, his mouth opening, tongue prodding. He was done playing cool and waiting- Lukas wanted him, he knew that now because he'd kissed him first. That's all he needed, a catalyst to start the reaction- throw it into overdrive.

Lukas hums against Philip's lips, opening his own mouth to welcome Philip's tongue into his mouth and when they meet in the middle it's probably the most of anything Lukas has ever felt in his life and he never wants to stop.

-

Time stops. Or at least, they're too preoccupied with each other to notice it moving, getting lost in the taste of each other on their tongues, their soft skin rubbing against each other as they'd lost their shirts a while back, their hands traveling and marking and wandering and making mental maps.

Philip's probably getting the most out of this, he's surprised that the skin on his bones, over his muscles hasn't melted off of the scaffolding with how hot he's running, like a switch has been turned on inside him.

Lukas feels like he's on cloud nine too, Philip is so responsive under him, keening into every touch and mind doing cartwheels in his head because Philip wants him, Philip wants him and he wants Philip and he's a little less scared to think that now. Probably still can't say it aloud, yet.

He's never done this before, and he feels the soft skin, the tight muscles under his finger tips, body parts and features so close to his own, and he feels the comfort because it's familiar. He knows how a guy's chest feels like because he has one of his own, knows why Philip gasps a little and tilts his head back when Lukas brushes a finger past his nipple because he does the same.

Since the beginning, Philip has taken a step back, not wanting to spook Lukas into something that he wasn't ready for, following his lead and only reacting after a reaction.

Except for his slight lapse in judgement when he pulls out the condom he always keeps in his wallet.

"Are you kidding me? I'm not doing that." Lukas says, scandalized. He pushes Philip's hand away and Philip sits up a bit, leaning back onto his elbows.

"Im sorry."

"Why do you have that?" Lukas asks, bare chest heaving.

"Everybody in the city carries one on them." Philip shrugs, shoulder barely moving. His eyes dart around, avoiding Lukas'. "Look it's okay. I didn't mean to push you, I'm sorry."

Lukas sighs, eyes tracing Philip's face in the dark, hands soft on Philip's neck and shoulder. "I've never done this before." He says, looking down at Philip's chest. "Have you?"

"Yeah- yeah loads." And there Philip goes again. Lying. Lukas had just been honest with him, shared his innermost secrets and all Philip could offer in return was a lie. "But it's okay that you haven't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, I won't push you."

Philip speaks so quietly and Lukas sighs, leaning down to press their lips together again and lose himself in the heat rolling off of Philip's body. He feels himself grow light, trepidation waning because this doesn't have to be anything, they don't have to do anything more than what they're doing, Philip won't push him and they'll be fine- this is fine.

Times lost all meaning until the unmistakable flash of headlights shines through their closed eyelids and shocks the both of them to their cores.

"Shit, it's my dad." Lukas gasps, his worst fears materializing right before him as he nearly flies off Philip and grabs his shirt, throwing it half of the way on, "get under the bed, now." He urges Philip quickly, finding his own hiding spot in the small closet and hoping that his dad would just come in and get what he wanted before leaving, hoping that they wouldn't get caught.

Philip does as he was told, gathering all his belongings against his chest and trying to tame his heavy breathing at the sharp rush of adrenaline running through his veins, preparing for the worst.

Little did they know that there would be bigger things to worry about than Lukas' dad walking into the cabin, that things were heading straight towards the world of shit once the headlights flashed off and the door knob jingled.

The door is pushed open, hushed whispers filling the room and both of their hearts stop as they try to make sense of the situation.

Lukas' heart feels like it's stuck at the base of his throat when he comes to the realization that whoever broke the sanctity of the moment and is trespassing into the cabin isn't his dad.

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you think????  
> Thank you for reading~ I'm on tumblr @makesme-free if anybody wants to fangirl over fandoms with me ^_^


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